I was driving home from a particularly intense day in the office last year when Harry Styles’ “As It Was” came on the radio. You know the vibe: that bright, 80s-inspired synth beat that makes you want to tap your fingers on the steering wheel. It sounds like a celebration. It sounds like a summer afternoon.
But then I actually listened to the lyrics.
“Answer the phone / Harry, you’re no good alone / Why are you sitting on the floor? / What kind of pills are you on?”
And I thought wait, what? The song isn’t a party anthem. It’s a funeral march disguised as a pop hit. It’s a song about the realization that things have changed so fundamentally that there is no going back.
The hardest part of personal growth isn’t the work itself: it’s accepting that you are no longer the person you used to be. And that is ok!
People want the “new” version of their career or their life, but they are terrified of the “old” version dying. We want the gain without the grief.
But here’s the reality: Transformation requires a trade-in.
The Silent Grief of “Self-Grieving”
We talk a lot about grieving the loss of loved ones or jobs, but we rarely talk about “self-grieving.” This is the quiet, often confusing ache of mourning the person you used to be.
Maybe you used to be the “fun” one who stayed late at every happy hour, but now you value your sleep and your morning routine.
Maybe you used to be the “yes-man” who was everyone’s favorite coworker, but now you’ve started setting boundaries that make people uncomfortable.
When you outgrow these old roles, it feels like a breakup. You feel lonely, not because you’re actually alone, but because the familiar version of you is gone. Researchers call this disenfranchised grief: it’s the kind of loss that society doesn’t really have a ceremony for.
There’s no “Congratulations on your Identity Crisis” card at the grocery store.
But that feeling of emptiness? It’s not a sign that you’re lost. It’s the sound of the cocoon stretching.
Why the Transition Feels So Awkward
Harry sings, “You know it’s not the same as it was.”
That line repeats like a mantra, and it captures that “liminal space”: the uncomfortable in-between where you’ve left the old shore but haven’t quite reached the new one yet.
It’s messy. It’s uncertain. It feels like you’re wearing a suit that’s two sizes too small, or maybe two sizes too big. You’re trying on new behaviors, new ways of speaking, and new mindsets, and they don’t feel “natural” yet.
Growth isn’t a smooth ascent; it’s a series of awkward molting phases.
I remember when I first started shifting my focus toward leadership. I felt like an imposter. I missed the simplicity of my old roles where the expectations were clear and the stakes felt lower. I was grieving the comfort of being “good” at my old self.
But you can’t stay in the harbor and expect to discover new oceans. The awkwardness is the price of admission for the person you are becoming.
The Gift of Emergence
If the grief is the price, the gift is clarity.
When you stop trying to force yourself back into the “As It Was” version of your life, you suddenly have room to see who you actually are now.
Outgrowing your old self isn’t a failure of consistency. It’s a triumph of evolution. It means you’ve learned enough, hurt enough, and lived enough to require a bigger container.
You aren’t “losing” yourself; you are integrating your past to fuel your future.
When we lean into this at Next Level Us, we see teams thrive during uncertainty because they stop clinging to “how we’ve always done it” and start asking “who do we need to become?”
How to Navigate the “As It Was” Phase
So, how do you actually handle the grief of outgrowing yourself without getting stuck in the past? Here are five principles I’ve learned through my own transitions:
1. Name the Grief
Stop telling yourself you’re just “stressed.” If you miss your old life or your old self, admit it. Acknowledge that the version of you that got you here was a hero, but they aren’t the one who will get you there.
Giving your transition a name takes away its power to confuse you.
2. Audit Your “Comfort Habits”
In the song, Harry mentions sitting on the floor and taking pills: metaphors for the ways we self-soothe when things change. Look at your own habits. Are you clinging to old routines because they serve you, or because they’re the only things that feel familiar?
Comfort is often the enemy of the person you’re meant to be.
3. Embrace the “Empty Room”
When you let go of old identities, there is a period of silence. Don’t rush to fill it with noise. Use that space for reflection. Who are you when no one is asking anything of you?
The void isn’t a hole; it’s a canvas.
4. Stop Seeking Permission to Change
People in your life might prefer the “As It Was” version of you. It was predictable. It was easy for them to manage. But you don’t owe anyone a stagnant version of yourself.
Your evolution is not a betrayal of others; it is a commitment to yourself.
5. Focus on the Forward Motion
You can look at the rearview mirror, but you can’t drive the car from there. Take the lessons, take the memories, and then turn your eyes back to the road.
You don’t need to go back: you just need to go forward.
The Final Note
We often treat change like a problem to be solved. We want to “fix” the feeling of being unsettled.
But what if the unsettled feeling is actually the most honest part of being alive?
Harry Styles’ “As It Was” reminds us that while the past might have been beautiful, it’s also over. And that’s okay. The version of you that existed two years ago did their job. They survived the challenges. They learned the lessons. Now, they are handing the baton to the person you are today.
Stop trying to fit into a version of yourself you’ve already outgrown.
If you’re feeling like “it’s not the same as it was,” take a breath. You aren’t falling apart. You’re just being rebuilt.
Ready to embrace your next level?
At Next Level Us LLC, we specialize in helping individuals and teams navigate the messy middle of growth. Whether you’re outgrowing an old leadership style or looking to transform your corporate culture, we’re here to help you move forward.
Check out our coaching services here and let’s start building your future self today.
